It's been a hard few weeks. I'm waging a mental battle between gratitude and sadness. I know I have so much to be grateful for, and I believe that should be enough to keep me from being so sad. And yet, I'm sad.
Nowhere is this tension more poignant than in the preparations to welcome our sweet baby boy into our home. Of course I'm so thankful that God has blessed us with this little life, I'm excited to meet him, and I am so grateful that he appears to be healthy and growing. But as his due date approaches (just about 6 weeks away), I'm finding myself having such a different response than I have in my other pregnancies. It's hard to explain, but instead of the eagerness I felt at this point with my other two, I'm facing a slight sense of uncertainty, even dread– if I'm willing to admit it.
I don't want to do this without my mom.
It's not that I'm afraid or dreading making the transition to three kids without my mom's physical and emotional help, although she was such a tremendous help when my other two babies were born. I just don't want to cross this line. I don't want enter a new phase of life that she will never have touched. And yet this little one is coming and life is moving on. It's a newborn baby, for Pete's sake! Pure sweetness. But tinged with bitter these days.
Last week I washed all his tiny clothes, set up his dresser and put together his crib. But I couldn't quite figure out how to finish the assembly on the crib, and then burst into tears realizing that my mom had assembled this crib before both Max and Maggie were born. My poor husband came home from work to find me sitting at the computer sobbing as I tried to see through my tears to google the make and model of the crib to find assembly instructions. Not a good moment.
But I will do this. God has so graciously heaped blessing upon blessing upon blessing on me during the last three months, and this child is certainly the greatest of those blessings. I am certain that the timing of his life and his arrival's intersection with my own grief is not arbitrary, but orchestrated by a gracious God Who loves me and Who loves him.
We are just about ready to welcome the new little buddy. He's coming into a family with a whole lot of grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins and love. So even if his mommy is a tad bit sad underneath the celebration, I think he'll be okay. I suppose that sadness is born of love, too.