Thursday, June 16, 2011

Bitter–Sweet




It's been a hard few weeks. I'm waging a mental battle between gratitude and sadness. I know I have so much to be grateful for, and I believe that should be enough to keep me from being so sad. And yet, I'm sad.

Nowhere is this tension more poignant than in the preparations to welcome our sweet baby boy into our home. Of course I'm so thankful that God has blessed us with this little life, I'm excited to meet him, and I am so grateful that he appears to be healthy and growing. But as his due date approaches (just about 6 weeks away), I'm finding myself having such a different response than I have in my other pregnancies. It's hard to explain, but instead of the eagerness I felt at this point with my other two, I'm facing a slight sense of uncertainty, even dread– if I'm willing to admit it.

I don't want to do this without my mom.

It's not that I'm afraid or dreading making the transition to three kids without my mom's physical and emotional help, although she was such a tremendous help when my other two babies were born. I just don't want to cross this line. I don't want enter a new phase of life that she will never have touched. And yet this little one is coming and life is moving on. It's a newborn baby, for Pete's sake! Pure sweetness. But tinged with bitter these days.

Last week I washed all his tiny clothes, set up his dresser and put together his crib. But I couldn't quite figure out how to finish the assembly on the crib, and then burst into tears realizing that my mom had assembled this crib before both Max and Maggie were born. My poor husband came home from work to find me sitting at the computer sobbing as I tried to see through my tears to google the make and model of the crib to find assembly instructions. Not a good moment.

But I will do this. God has so graciously heaped blessing upon blessing upon blessing on me during the last three months, and this child is certainly the greatest of those blessings. I am certain that the timing of his life and his arrival's intersection with my own grief is not arbitrary, but orchestrated by a gracious God Who loves me and Who loves him.

We are just about ready to welcome the new little buddy. He's coming into a family with a whole lot of grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins and love. So even if his mommy is a tad bit sad underneath the celebration, I think he'll be okay. I suppose that sadness is born of love, too.


10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love you and am touched beyond words at your post today. I'm hugging you.....can you feel it?
Aunt Suzie



side note: the word verification for this comment is "deesto". Hmmmm.

Melissa said...

i have tears in my eyes throughout this whole post and then the picture with your mom did me in! oh i wish i could take the sadness away for you, but I even think sometimes there's comfort in the sadness...in remembering those precious moments with your mom...I pray for you that even in the sadness JOY and PEACE are even more present still - in such a way that it's completely unexplainable except that it was a pure gift from Jesus who loves you SOOOO much. excited to meet this little fella :)

Jonna said...

I've been praying for you daily my friend and won't stop anytime soon. Hugs to you.

Jonna

kathy said...

Hugs.

Soaring High said...

My heart breaks for you. I pray too that there is both Joy with the sadness when you welcome your new little one home. I will be praying as you enter this new journey in your life. Hugs to you!

Mom Keena said...

Beautifully written.

Anonymous said...

I love you Rissa - I know how hard this can be. I was very sad that the twins were born 9 months after Dad had passed and that he never got to meet them. I am still overwhelmed at times with missing both my parents, but it does get easier. Hang in there - love you, Shereea

Lorenz Family Blog said...

I'm reminded of the love of our great God who must have had tremendous joy as His Son arrived on our earth, to do for us what they had planned since before the dawn of time! Yet, there must have been accompanying sadness for the Father, as the joy of the unveiling of the long-awaited Messiah meant that the beginning of His earthly life also meant a certain end to Jesus' life. Isn't it a wonderful reassurance to know that God intimately knows all of your emotions, sadness & struggles because He Himself has walked your road before you? With confidence, He will hold your hand through the weeks ahead, as you strive to bring Him glory! You'll continue to be in our prayers, Cherissa!

Jen said...

I completely understand! When I see pictures of my mom holding Megan I'm so happy she got to experience being a grandma before her passing. But I'm equally (or maybe more) saddend that she hasn't had the joy of knowing my other children - and my sisters kids too. There are not words to describe the complete mix of emotions. Just know you are not alone in your feelings!

Tammy said...

Praying for you!
Love you.